To Have Faith Is To Fly

"You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you still remember Dreaming?  That's where I will always love you.  That's where I'll be waiting..."

"Never say goodbye, because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting."

"So come with me where Dreams are born, and time is never planned.  Just think of happy things and your heart will fly on wings, Forever in Never Never Land!"

"The moment you doubt you can fly, you cease forever to be able to do it."

"Second Star to the right and straight on 'til morning..."

"To die would be an awfully great adventure."

"Dreams do come true, if only we wish hard enough.  You can have anything in life if you will sacrifice everything else for it."

"All the world is made of faith, trust and pixie dust."

"No matter how we try to be mature, we will always be a kid when we get hurt and cry."

"Stars are beautiful, but they may not take an active part in anything, they must just look on for ever. It is a punishment put on them for something they did so long ago that no star now knows what it was. So the older ones have become glassy-eyed and seldom speak (winking is the star language), but the little ones still wonder."

 -Peter Pan

Façade

Every waking moment, wherever I may be,
each artificial smile endlessly nauseates me.
A grand masquerade for all the simpleminded drones,
I can become what they want her to be,
as long as it's anything but me.
It's alarming how such an elaborate façade can come 
so easily. My life is a permanent charade that often
feels surreal, but now she appears so naturally,
I hardly have to feel. What a bang-up concept! 
What a killer deal! But when I'm all alone, fake 
is never real. Fake facades, such dark ironic monsters,
I thought I was duping everyone,
far ahead in my clandestine game.
But now I realize, I didn't win at all, 
I just butchered up my brain. 
You see, I tried to make them like me,
As narrow-minded as they seemed,
I made up a girl that fit their mold,
A girl who was only dreamed. At first, her mask was
simple; before I knew it she was sold.
I'm just a host for someone make-believe, 
helpless to her granite hold. And when the day draws to
an end, no one can grasp the key, To a beautiful girl 
I like so much, but can't ever let them see.

The Most Meaningful Quote I've Ever Heard

"It broke my heart... After all we had been through he didn't even look back. But I have to believe in his eyes there was more than my own reflection staring back at me. I know it, I felt it. Even if I can't prove it... I suppose in the end, the whole of life becomes an act of letting go but what always hurts the most is not taking a moment to say goodbye... I wish I had said. It's over, we survived, thank you for saving my life, I love you... you will always be with me. But I can't be with you."

Another Post About Memories...

Good memories, not ones you actually care to remember, are still waiting to resurface when you least expect them to.  They are unwanted snip-its of time that are permanently stored in my mind.  As I walked past the play area for small children at the Harbison mall last night, a flash of the past struck me like lightning.  I could see a somewhat younger, less tired girl sitting at a nearby table.  She's laughing hysterically as she and the man she shares everything with make inappropriate jokes over ice cream.  And just as quickly as it had surfaced, the memory was gone.  Back to the darkest corner of my brain waiting to be triggered again, perhaps years later.  It's not nostalgic because good memories, like this one, were few and far between then.  It was just a reminder that regardless of what I plan to do, nothing in life is certain...we just have to make adjustments.

Butterflies and Hurricanes

Today I've come to the conclusion that I need to stop worrying about the future.  Every choice I make is a gamble.  Instead of worrying how something will end, because (at least for me) it inevitably will do so...It's time to start enjoying the little gifts life sends my way.  For the past two months, (following my latest tragedy), all emotions had ceased to exist.  I fell into a numb and indifferent state of mind.  I'm certainly not complaining.  After all, when feelings become absent, a sense of security develops.  It's as if your mind has crawled into a dark cave where no one is allowed entry.  It doesn't take long to realize this has happened.  It wasn't a conscious decision to create this colorless world of solitude.  

Then I am faced with a choice.  Do I live in this safe grey world, following my endless routine of work, sleep, work, sleep?  Or do I want to allow butterflies and hurricanes back into my veins?  Is life worth living not feeling anything?  I came home last week and I told my roommate Bill, "It feels like I'm just waiting to die."  When I said that out loud I did feel something.  Fast forward a few days and I've allowed a little happiness to visit me.  Inevitably it will come to an end but so do our lives.  If we never did anything because it would someday end there would be no point to living at all.  So come on butterflies, I'll let you flutter in my heart until you have someone else that needs you.  And even if the hurricanes come as well, there's always safety in the eye of the storm.

Memories

I've been thinking a lot about the memories that linger in your mind forever.  Moments that may have changed the path of your life or perhaps, just a small act of kindness when you least expected it.  Maybe it was just a random event that was humorous and became an easy story to retell at parties.  There are many of these moments that have remained elaborately detailed in my mind.  

For instance, I'll never forget "swimming" in one of those blue plastic kiddie pools at my grandparents' house in Elkton, Michigan.  My grandfather would sit on a folding chair in the backyard and "supervise" me pretending to be an otter (or any other sea creature I was channeling that day).  I'm not sure exactly how old I was, probably five or six.  Young enough to think my grandfather was joking when he said "If you spit that on me, I'm dumping all the water out of that pool!"  Turns out, he was serious.  I remember watching sadly from the window, with little tears streaming down my face, as he dragged the empty pool to the shed.  That's the last time I tested my grandfather's word. 

I've Looked At Life From Both Sides Now

When I was in high school, blogging was a good way to create drama between your friends.    Making snide comments toward people who read my blog was a passive aggressive way to communicate my disdain for being ignored at the cafeteria lunch table.  As I grew older (and slightly wiser), the idea of writing down my day-to-day activities and woes began to feel selfish and petty.  Thus, began my general annoyance with the blogging trend.  It was beneath me (or so I thought).  

However, now I have so many thoughts running around in my head (no, not in a crazy way) that would only make sense with pen and paper...well in this case the Internet and my keyboard.  I know I always enjoyed reading my cousin, Jordan's blog.  His blogs regarding his adventures in Australia were beautifully detailed and exciting.  Now, I am well aware I won't have stories about diving with Great White Sharks or experiencing 3 months in Paris like my good friend Brianna...BUT I do work with the public at least 60 hours a week so I'm bound to have entertaining happenings to blog about.  Trust me, they're guaranteed to occur because let's face it...People are F-ing crazy.

But I don't intend for this blog to be all fun and games.  I've gained a lot of knowledge battling the obstacles life has placed before me.  Knowledge I would like to share with whoever wants to hear it.  Maybe my experiences can be of some comfort as you too press on in this chaotic journey.

Well, as a once self-proclaimed blog hater, this would be the preface to the very thing I swore I would never do again.  Twelve years later, after my first post in LiveJournal on 9/11, I'm delving back into the blog scene.  Only this time, my readers (if anyone does end up reading this) won't have to worry about a public Internet dissing.